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creativity in the making.

i'm learning things everyday!

6/15/08 02:46 pm

so for the next month (since i can’t do ANYTHING), i am going to be changing myself a lot. i’m going to try harder to be a better person. at least i hope that i do. i always say “i’m going to change” and then i never do. i don’t know what the problem is!!

today is father's day, and it kind of sucks. my mom freaks out about the dumbest things.

6/3/08 09:31 pm

i just finished taking off a mask...

i've decided i really, truly hate makeup. my friend insisted on putting it on me today, and finally i caved in. the end result was a painted and unhappy chelsea who felt fake and ugly. as soon as i got home i washed it off, and now i feel so much better. i'm truly happy with my face the way it is because i know i'm beautiful the way i am. this is such an amazing realization for me because i used to be so self-conscious. i have come so far in the past few years and it's crazy to look back at the things i used to think and care about. priorities change so much in such little time.

i hope to always have my head in the clouds,
because sometimes everyone is too loud.
they say they love you, but really they don't.
they like to tease and like to flaunt.
my head will always be in the clouds,
because then i will always be in the shrouds
of white and fluff and beautiful stuff.
i love to be in the clouds.

6/1/08 06:29 pm

my life is falling up forever and ever and it's such a good feeling! i love this Guy and he is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me....what if Guy had left after that one mistake i made? no, it was more than one. there have been a lot of mistakes and arguments in our relationship and the love is still growing every day, even Guy has said so. every time i think about going off track i read these little notes Guy has written me before and they bring me back to the reality that i belong with him.

love, love, love.

i'm missing my Best Girl...we had a fight last night and it made me sad. i'm sorry that i'm a shady bitch sometimes and i'm sorry that i'm changing. i'm trying to change for the better, but i think that i should include you more into the change Best Girl! i love you so much. smile a lot and it will make you happier, okay?

5/24/08 11:38 am - living free.

i like to live free, create things, and drink tea. my favorite music is the kind that meshes with my heart and can make me dance. tripping fantastically and walking are my pastimes. when i'm dirty, i'm happy. taking risks and living passion are things that turn me on. i want to possess the hearts of everyone i meet.

5/23/08 09:51 am - my favorite weather.

it is so beautiful outside. i want to go dancing for rain and dancing for fun. my heart is always open so the rain can get in, and fill me up with the holiness of the heavens.

if you love something, set it free.

5/20/08 06:44 am - two thoughts.

my dreams are the subconscious activities of my brain and what i think of my everyday life. this tells me that i am really quite a pessimistic person, no matter what i like to think during the day. my dreams are of the things i don't want to happen and of the bad things that have already happened. it's hard not to wake up and cry because of the things i just experienced in a dream. when you sleep, aren't you supposed to get a break from your life to be peaceful? or is it just an add on to your shitty life to make you even more miserable? how do you change your subconscious mind? how do you change something that isn't even there while you are awake? i don't know any of this yet.

the only thing i know for sure is "tat twam asi"; that thou art. it basically means let it be. if you be okay with what and who you are and what you are doing you will be happier. let go of your desires, and you will be without suffering. it’s so simple and subtle, yet so incredibly hard. we are all masochists who like to be recognized and revered for our hardships. stop that! be free of pride and free of desire. i think this is what will save me.

5/12/08 09:15 pm - something i heard

so i heard that the only person you can really trust and put faith in is god.

i want god right now.

5/4/08 08:20 pm - i don't know what to do

the number one person of my life is really upset with me. i love her so much and i fucked up, just like i always do.

i'm feeling mad and sad, and i'm trying to be thankful for being alive.

5/2/08 06:55 pm - i don't know anymore

it feels like life is a waste of time because i'm not getting anywhere. i let down everyone i know, even when i try not to. the people i love the most are the people i hurt the most. i will never be able to keep anyone around for more than a year because they will all realize how fucked up i am.

right now i'm feeling pretty hopeless, i'm thankful for peace and quiet, and i'm really wanting someone to think of me as their number one.

4/30/08 09:22 pm - people

they are so fucking mean.
really? does it make you feel better to be a bitch to someone? does it make you feel super bad ass when you pretend to be someone's friend and then talk shit about them behind their back?

i really don't understand people.

right now i am feeling pretty crushed and i am thankful for sleep.
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